First I would like to apologize for the time gap between
posts. My boys have decided that because I now have things that I need to be
doing in a timely fashion napping and quiet time are a thing of the past. But I
am still keeping my fingers crossed that this is a phase. (Please oh please oh
please let it just be a phase!) Recently there were some big decisions made for
myself and for our family. First one is that I decided that the semester I took
off to have Pancake is not turning into two semesters and I enrolled in classes
at our local community college. I am only doing part-time but I have run out of
classes to take online for my degree and have to take all of my labs now before
I can graduate. With this I have to leave the boys for 6 whole hours a week.
Which brings me to my guilt, the mama guilt.
I know that every mother that is reading this understands
immediately what I am talking about. So for those of you that are a little less
familiar with the gut wrenching guilt, I will explain further. This guilt is a
horrible feeling that moms encounter when they cannot be everywhere at once.
Now of course there is no such thing as a super mama that can be at work, at
home with a baby and at school with their toddler all at once so many mamas get
the case of the mama guilt. The flip side of the mama guilt is that you want
and need to have an adult moment or two. You crave a moment where you get to
speak a non-toddler modified version of English where you don’t refer to
yourself and everyone else in third person. You long to miss your babies so
that you can cherish the moments you share more.
Theo is now almost 4 years old and is ready to be able to
play and be social with other kids his age and be away from Mama for a few
hours. He has always been a child that enjoys playing with other kids and makes
friends quickly. Theo is the child at the park that is telling the other
children’s mother that they are not allowed to leave yet, because they are
having fun. Theo I am not feeling guilty about leaving, Theo is ready and
begging to play with his friends.
Max I am feeling guilty about leaving. He is hardly six
months old, and firmly attached to Mama as he should be. And let me tell you
Mama is just as firmly attached to him. Max who has never had a bottle and
isn’t really ready for solids. Max the baby that when waking up in a new
environment panics and looks immediately for me. He is just a baby, and needs a
mama. I shudder at the thought of leaving him on my first day of class.
The worst of my guilt is that I am very ready to have a
moment to do something for myself. It has been a full 18 months with far and
few reprieves in between since I have been able to leave my babies and have
that moment. I feel guilty that some times I wake up and am not ready to face a
day filled with messes, toy truck noises, and not one adult to talk to for
10-12 hours. I feel guilty that I look forward to leaving my boys and going to
a class where I will be challenged intellectually instead of challenging my patience.
The overwhelming guilt really begins when my conscience starts whispering that
I shouldn’t feel like I need to be away from them, that I am ungrateful for the
blessed life we live where I can stay home if I want to. (I swear sometime I
wish I could punch my conscience in the face).
But I know that I am always a better mother to my boys when
I am happy and patient. And in order to be that happy and patient mother I need
to take a few hours and take care of me. So David and I found a wonderful in home
daycare/pre-school, where they parent like we do and have a loving and warm
environment. They change cloth diapers; baby wear, and feed whole foods for
snacks. How lucky are we that it happens to be right beside the campus that I
will be at?
So in a few days time I will take my boys to someone else to
watch. I will take way too long to leave, give them too many hugs and kisses,
and probably cry when I get back in the car, but I will not let this guilt eat
me alive. Although sometime I do try to pretend like I can do it all, I am only
human and I need a break. And all my other mama friends reading this now, I
want to tell you that you to deserve a break too. Because we will never be all of
the mother that we can’t be if we don’t take those few moments to take care of
ourselves.
Dan<3
