LaLune

"I can't wait anymore, I am going to pee on a stick." I told my husband at about 4 am when we both were awake in a peaceful house. But my nerves were strung so tightly I was sure I'd wake the boys just by being in the same room as them.

Walking to the bathroom I relived the last time I did this three short months ago. Even though since then I feel like years have passed. It was another middle of the night adventure.

While Hubs was gone training and I was sure I was having the fifth migraine in a week. Fed up I decided to just pee on a stick to see if that was what was making my hormones rage and flare enough to make me this sick. 

Even though the odds were against me, I decided to test. I hadn't had a cycle since before Pancake was born, and beyond that Hubs had been gone so often chances of actually being home on a day I was fertile were slim to none. I was sure this couldn't be it. So when I dropped the three drops on the test and it began to move across the window showing only one line I wasn't surprised at all. Instead I sat down hard on the ground and cried. Not because we had been trying to conceive, but because this just meant that my hormones were nuts and I'd just have to tough it out. 

I only got a few good ugly sobs out before I heard rustling in the bedroom, so when I stood up my eye immediately fell on the pregnancy test. I made to grab the test and toss it when the whole world kind of slowed and my heart jumped, it was positive. 

Two lines. Two dark purple lines.

The next three weeks were blissful after the initial shock Hubs and I were getting excited to welcome a new child. I enjoyed testing each morning watching the lines immediately pop up on the test window.

Until while visiting our home town for the holidays, Driving to Hubs parents house on our first night home I glanced at the sky, a full red moon hung high in the sky. It felt a little like an omen, a clear warning. 

I had lost our tiny 10 week babe by the time we returned home.

Now three months later the idea of testing has me jumpy and skittish. I decide that I'm going to perform the test then just leave. I walked straight back to the bed snuggled into Hub and surprisingly passed back out. It wasn't until later when we had cartoons blaring and breakfast going that I remembered that I had left it out.
"WHAT DID IT SAY?!" I shouted to Hubs.
I didn't wait for him to respond I walked to the bathroom and picked up the test I left on the window seal.
Two lines. The second was so faint though.
Faint positive or evaporation line?
Dammit! Why did I think not looking within the testing time would be a good idea?!

I walked back to David who by this time was pretty amused at what a weirdo he decided to reproduce with. I showed him the test, of course he shook his head after I explained evaporation lines. "You can't count that one Babe, try again in the morning."
The next 24 hours was difficult but the next test came up positive immediately. Hubs still wouldn't take that as a positive. "You still haven't even missed your period, lets wait until that then see what these tests say."

I remember being frustrated he was so quick to dismiss these clear positives, but now I think he might have been looking for certainty after we had just said good bye to our tiny babe.

Finally, our last test in my stash a dark positive two days past my period. Just days before Hubs left on his fourth deployment.

When I kissed him at the airport, I laughed (refusing to cry) and told him to get ready because the next time he saw me I'd either be gigantic or with a brand new squish. We smiled, both knowing what he would miss, but hoping against hope he could make it home in time to welcome this child.

Eight months later

I anxiously waited as the third and last possible flight switched from a blinking delayed to landed. I decided I would just wait right were he could see us in front of the door to the security clearance. I wanted the boys to be able to sprint to him, squealing and laughing like I knew they would.

Finally after so many prayers and thoughts my husband stepped on home soil, and a weight fell from my heart. I felt our baby girl shift casually in my womb, knowing she felt the anxiety lift too. Waddling after our squealing and running boys I put a hand on my impressive belly thinking, " I know LaLune, I'm ready too."

Homecoming / Wordless Wednesday

True story here:


Most nights are rough. I take forever to fall asleep, or I wake up constantly from a light sleep by the lightest of noises. It is not a healthy way to live nor would I recommend trying to function on a day to day basis on little to no sleep. Because it sucks. My right eye won't stop trying to twitch itself into a closed position, as if I could let the right half of my brain just sleep for a few minutes -or days.

On a recent day I woke up feeling more refreshed than I had in a long time, even though I know I still slept very few hours. I slide out from between my sleeping babes and head for the kitchen with only the thought of a liter of water and a hot cup of coffee.

I close my eyes and remind myself that I do still have a husband even if he is thousands of miles away. That he still misses and loves his family even if we haven't spoken to him in weeks. I remember that when he is home I sleep soundly knowing we are safe.

In a daze still half asleep I realize the boys have woken up and are screeching at each other. The baby pterodactyl kind of scream that for whatever reason my kids love to sound when they are having fun. It mostly is Pancake that does this kind of screeching but Scoop sure does love to chime in when the mood strikes him.

Placing my head in my hands I laugh and imagine David's hands on my shoulders rubbing away the knots.

"Help, the pterodactyls are multiplying."

My eyes fly open.

Oh man, thats not a day dream of my husband that is my husband. And the memories of his homecoming come flooding into my line of thoughts. Laughing at myself for actually forgetting that he had come home, I leaned into his embrace.

Right on cue the boys come into the kitchen bight eyed and smiling at the sight of their father home again.
Maxx smiled shyly and said, "Hi, Papa. Hi."

Theo immediately launches into what he feels we should do with the day now that Papa is home.

I turn around, wrap my arms around David's waist and look into his face and tell him too, "Hi, Papa."
He doesn't need to respond he just seals my lips with his and finally I feel whole again.




David's homecoming in pictures:

What I started out looking like...

Sadly, because of the  horrendous weather these didn't even leave the car.

Hurry up and wait some more.

Hurry up and wait with awesome friends.

Spotted Papa!

Maxx bundled in the wrap in the stroller to stay dry.

Ended up looked like a frozen drowned rat after waiting in the rain for an hour. 

baby popsicles 

But it was all worth this moment.

Torn

I miss my husband

I go home when David deploys for long time periods. I always have a ready excuse like the first time he went off I was VERY pregnant with Pancake and decided I really needed the help and it was too much to ask my mom and sister to come out to me. So I swallowed my pride and took my seasoned flyer Scoop, off with me to my hometown. There we waited for a baby to be born and then for Papa to head back to the States. This time I chose to come home because my niece was just born. I wanted to be a big part of her life, I wanted to be there to help me sister navigate her way through this tough labyrinth we call motherhood.

But really those reasons, good as they are, are not the reason I chose to come back to this tiny hometown. It is always and forever going to be that I miss my family while I am gone. The fact that I can grab my babies and walk ten minutes to my sisters house/wake up and have coffee with my mom/go to yoga with my Dad/hang out with David’s parents and anything else that involves having family so close by seems to beat the perks of having my own house and privacy in Virginia.

My sister, and I have always had this relationship that was more than just a sibling love. Alex is my best friend; she is the first person I call when I am frustrated or joyous. Add to that the connection we share with our mother means that being separated by many states is tough. It’s nearly as tough as it is to be separated from my husband during these deployments.

And now I face the decision of going home to Virginia to meet my husband at homecoming or staying here and patiently waiting for him to join us here. The time span between the two times of seeing him again are really only a few days, but the kicker is that if we decide to go home to Virginia to be at homecoming we miss about of month of being in the hometown with family. The reason being is that if I fly back with the babies we cross over not one, but two time zones and they need time to adjust to that, along with everything else. And remember how I said David would be joining us here in hometown soon after homecoming? Okay well that trip to the hometown is pretty much a sure thing, whether we fly out as a family together or meet him here.

Last time we did fly back and meet David. Homecoming was a little different though it was when he got to meet Pancake for the first time. Days after he got back we packed up and head to hometown for leave. This time there is not a son that he hasn’t met yet, just a family that is lonely without the Papa.

So Option A: Fly back to Virginia a month before David gets home, let babies adjust, meet Papa at homecoming, get a few days as a family, then turn around and head back to hometown for a couple weeks to turn around and come back to Virginia. It sounds… exhausting. But seeing David right as he comes home and then sharing those moments privately with only with our children sounds so worth it.

Option B: Wait in hometown with my beloved family for an extra month until Papa arrives on leave a few days after he gets into The States, share the first moments with everyone, spend leave in hometown with family, fly back to Virginia together. This sounds…anxious. But not having to put my children on an airplane and change scenery three times sounds much more beneficial for them.

Needless to say I am lost and I am lonely. I want so desperately to throw caution to the wind (and our money, damn airfare prices!) and hop on a plane. Meet David and have those moments with our family privately. Its not that I think our family doesn’t miss him the way I do, or shouldn’t be apart of this homecoming, but there is something about being there waiting that tugs at my heart.

I miss my husband.

What would you do?

Deployment

The wave of emotions that swarm with that word is sometimes overwhelming. Anxiety to sadness. All of those feelings wash over our home every time Hubby pulls out the bags and gear. The worst part? I always am ready for him to leave by the time departure day gets here. The relief of finally having him officially on deployment, instead of just waiting on pins and needles for him to leave, is extreme. The days and weeks before hand are worse than actually being without each other. The house hums with the anxiety of waiting. And waiting. And waiting.

This is not an uncommon cycle in our home. We are on our third deployment. (David says second, I say third because being gone for a month, thousands of miles away, in a war zone, without communication is deployment in my mind).

So then can someone please tell me why these first weeks are still so horrible? From driving away to this moment my chest has a big gaping hole. It whistles a very lonely tune in the wind, and aches when I crawl in bed next to my babies. My own brand of lonely isn't the worst part though, its my babies.

Yesterday, Theo's friend told him that he should address his valentine he was making to his Daddy. Want to know his response? "No, I don't have a Daddy anymore." Um, excuse me child, WHAT?! I'm not sure if his was response was suppose to be no I don't have a Daddy, because David isn't Daddy and never has been. He has always been Papa. Or if it was his way of explaining the logistics of a deployment. Of course that statement still prompted a conversation we have had before several times:

Me: "Theo, Papa always comes home no matter how long he is gone."
Theo: "Why is Pop gone"?
Me: "Because its his job to go away and protect us and everyone else."
Theo: "Why"?
Me: "Because he loves us Boo-Boo. He will always love us even if he is gone."
Theo: "I know. I miss him. Can I have Jell-O? Can we send Jell-O to Pop"?

The upsides? I can talk to my kids about feelings. We discuss why we miss Papa, we talk about how he misses us too, we writes lists of emotions that we feel and ask Pop when he calls if he feels that way too. And most of all after the first few weeks we fall back into a routine and are great.

I have my sights set on the future. The sooner these adjustment weeks pass the sooner we can be back to our routine. Then before we know it Papa will be home. There will be many trials and tribulations in between, I know. But this just happens to be the life we live.

This too shall pass.

How do you deal with deployments/long times away from a loved one? Do you have any special routines you go through with your kids?

First Homecoming 

Dan<3