LaLune

"I can't wait anymore, I am going to pee on a stick." I told my husband at about 4 am when we both were awake in a peaceful house. But my nerves were strung so tightly I was sure I'd wake the boys just by being in the same room as them.

Walking to the bathroom I relived the last time I did this three short months ago. Even though since then I feel like years have passed. It was another middle of the night adventure.

While Hubs was gone training and I was sure I was having the fifth migraine in a week. Fed up I decided to just pee on a stick to see if that was what was making my hormones rage and flare enough to make me this sick. 

Even though the odds were against me, I decided to test. I hadn't had a cycle since before Pancake was born, and beyond that Hubs had been gone so often chances of actually being home on a day I was fertile were slim to none. I was sure this couldn't be it. So when I dropped the three drops on the test and it began to move across the window showing only one line I wasn't surprised at all. Instead I sat down hard on the ground and cried. Not because we had been trying to conceive, but because this just meant that my hormones were nuts and I'd just have to tough it out. 

I only got a few good ugly sobs out before I heard rustling in the bedroom, so when I stood up my eye immediately fell on the pregnancy test. I made to grab the test and toss it when the whole world kind of slowed and my heart jumped, it was positive. 

Two lines. Two dark purple lines.

The next three weeks were blissful after the initial shock Hubs and I were getting excited to welcome a new child. I enjoyed testing each morning watching the lines immediately pop up on the test window.

Until while visiting our home town for the holidays, Driving to Hubs parents house on our first night home I glanced at the sky, a full red moon hung high in the sky. It felt a little like an omen, a clear warning. 

I had lost our tiny 10 week babe by the time we returned home.

Now three months later the idea of testing has me jumpy and skittish. I decide that I'm going to perform the test then just leave. I walked straight back to the bed snuggled into Hub and surprisingly passed back out. It wasn't until later when we had cartoons blaring and breakfast going that I remembered that I had left it out.
"WHAT DID IT SAY?!" I shouted to Hubs.
I didn't wait for him to respond I walked to the bathroom and picked up the test I left on the window seal.
Two lines. The second was so faint though.
Faint positive or evaporation line?
Dammit! Why did I think not looking within the testing time would be a good idea?!

I walked back to David who by this time was pretty amused at what a weirdo he decided to reproduce with. I showed him the test, of course he shook his head after I explained evaporation lines. "You can't count that one Babe, try again in the morning."
The next 24 hours was difficult but the next test came up positive immediately. Hubs still wouldn't take that as a positive. "You still haven't even missed your period, lets wait until that then see what these tests say."

I remember being frustrated he was so quick to dismiss these clear positives, but now I think he might have been looking for certainty after we had just said good bye to our tiny babe.

Finally, our last test in my stash a dark positive two days past my period. Just days before Hubs left on his fourth deployment.

When I kissed him at the airport, I laughed (refusing to cry) and told him to get ready because the next time he saw me I'd either be gigantic or with a brand new squish. We smiled, both knowing what he would miss, but hoping against hope he could make it home in time to welcome this child.

Eight months later

I anxiously waited as the third and last possible flight switched from a blinking delayed to landed. I decided I would just wait right were he could see us in front of the door to the security clearance. I wanted the boys to be able to sprint to him, squealing and laughing like I knew they would.

Finally after so many prayers and thoughts my husband stepped on home soil, and a weight fell from my heart. I felt our baby girl shift casually in my womb, knowing she felt the anxiety lift too. Waddling after our squealing and running boys I put a hand on my impressive belly thinking, " I know LaLune, I'm ready too."

Birth Story: Theo/Scoop

When I had Theo I feel like I was a completely different person from when I had Max. Not only
was I just beginning my journey as a mother I also was beginning my journey into a passion I would hold for the rest of my life.

30 weeks

38 weeks 

I spent my whole pregnancy educating myself about natrual labor, pregnancy, and immediate postpartum. After that I was pretty clueless. But here is the funny part I didn't know how clueless I was. I was the typical first time parent that knew what was coming and had done some serious time researching but still had no idea. Now understand that I knew we were delivering a baby boy and that we were no way in hell circumcising him. I also knew that we would be breastfeeding, that I probably wasn't going to be getting much sleep, or really doing anything that wasn't baby related. But after that really it was all just experience and learning on the fly.

The last prenatal appointment I had with my midwife was a week before my due date and the last day I was pregnant. My midwife had asked, "How are you feeling"? I remember smiling and speaking words I wasn't aware I was going to say. "Ready, I want to meet him and see his little face."

When she left the house David asked if I wanted to go off roading with him. At the time we were living with my mom and the house was out in the middle of the desert. The perfect place to put his new off road vehicle to good use. (In hindsight, off roading isn't something that I would recommend for anyone pregnant).We spent the better part of 4 hours climbing impossibly steep mesas and winding our way through sugar sand the wind had blown in. We blasted Incubus with the windows rolled down. We were the vision of carefree. I remember watching the sun set fire to the sky and thinking how happy I was in the moment.

The rest of the evening was spent hanging a sheet for taking pictures and watching a theater movie with ice cream bowl balanced on my belly. David and I crawled into bed exhausted, and as he wrapped his arms arounds me he asked, "What do you think is tonight the night?" Theo stretched inside me and we both watched as he pulled my skin tightly waving his arms and legs getting confortable. "Maybe. He does seem tight in there."

Later, somewhere between sleep and awake I found myself praying. In that moment I saw how blessed I was. With a boyfriend that cared about me and our son, a family that supported us, and a healthy baby with a stellar pregnancy; what more could I ask for. Peace was what I found in those moments of foggy minded clarity.

I was woken early morning by the start of early labor. Laying in bed I let the reality of what was happening wash over me. I was having a baby very soon. Deep breath, I was having a baby very soon. KEEP BREATHING. Oh my goodness I was in labor to deliver my baby boy. KEEP BREATHING! After about an hour of coming to terms with what was happening, I couldn't take it anymore. I had to wake up David. I needed to share this with someone.

I consider that the comic relief of my early labor. It took me going from gentle shaking to yelling and throwing a pillow at David's face to wake him up. And once he finally was conscious he sleepily asked if I was sure. Bless his heart, I know it was just his version of coming to terms with reality like I just had but I still almost ripped his face off. Instead I walked away to get my phone and called my midwife letting him know what I was doing.

I walked back to find that he had grabbed our birth manual from under the bed and was furiously flipping through the pages and spouting off the procedural questions.
"How far apart are your contraction?"
"Have you lost your mucous plug?'
"Is the pain in your back and abdomen?"
And from that moment he was my rock, not leaving my side or letting go of my hand. Poor man I don't think ate for twelve hours straight.

By the time the midwife had arrived I was having difficulty speaking through contractions and had woken up the whole house at the early hour of 4 a.m. Which seemed appropriate because I had quickly dilated to 4 centimeters. And as soon as I heard that I immediately asked if I could get in the tub. I was ready for a little comfort and a warm bath was just the ticket. But while trying to get the tub ready and locate all of our birth supplies my contractions had picked up and were coming so quickly I couldn't speak at all. After another check to see how quickly thing were going I had progressed to 6 centimeters in thirty minutes.

So while mayhem broke loose around me I sank into my tub of peace and worked my way through contractions. When we had everything set up and ready for delivery including my inflatable birth tub filled with warm water I switched tubs and David got in with me.

But after many hours of no change in contractions I realized maybe I was doing something wrong. After another cervical check I hadn't moved one tiny centimeter. Too much tub. It was like hitting a brick wall, I was faced with the fact that I would have to do this for longer than I had originally thought. I had to reorganize my thoughts to accept that baby boy was still a while away. Until then I sat down in the shower (I was scared to leave any form of water for long) and cried. The kind of crying where you can't breathe anymore and there is more snot than tears.

My support team still pulled through. David held my hand in the shower with me reminding me that it was all worth it. Alex sat out side the shower door telling me I was strong and so was this baby. My mother sat quietly waiting until I called for her to remind me that she did this too. Twice. Eventually, I worked my brain around the idea of no water and began to walk around to help labor progress further.

This is where my memory of things shifts from what everyone else knows and what I know. I'm pretty sure I was close to being fully dilated and sitting on the bed but other than that I don't remember anything about the physical world. I had slipped into a different realm, one completely in my head. I swirled around in a world where time didn't exist, reliving memories, peeping into the future, and searching for the peace I had just a few hours ago in bed.

Soon, or not so soon, I felt the grasp of my womb working to get a baby out. I let my midwife know, and she gave me the all clear to push. "But wait, the tub, I want to have a water birth." I managed to say. So I wobbled my way to the birth tub, David slid in behind me and I spent almost and hour pushing in several different positions. Until I found that David supporting me was best. "Dani! Can you feel your baby? Reach down, feel his head. He is still in the caul!" The amniotic sack never broke. Until my midwife was trying to show my fingers where to find my baby and it finally ruptured. Oh yes, finally he was close to being here.

Push. Push. Push. Baby boy born. We all just took a few seconds to admire his beautiful face through the water. And I'm pretty sure under the surface there was the surreal feeling of, oh man, there really was a baby in there Going through all of our minds. So we all just stared and let him look peaceful in the water. Until someone said, "Papa, grab your baby. Bring him to Mama's chest."

I felt this heavy wet baby on me and was brought to reality. My baby, blood of my blood, finally in my arms. It all fell into place. Not crying but cooing, he was already talking, and hasn't stopped since.

I looked into his face and whispered, "I am a Mama. I am your Mama."

Let's get crunchy!

Recently friends and family had asked me why and how I came to choose the parenting style I use. Most of our friends and family were doubtful of our choices when Theo was born. They had expected us to rear a demon, so just questioning how I use it is a HUGE step in the right direction. In a previous blog I mentioned that I tend to dance in the green pastures of “crunchy granola mama land”. By this I mean that I practice Attachment Parenting also know as Peaceful/Gentle/Hippie/Granola/Crunchy/Natural Parenting. In this blog I’m going to roll through the major ins and outs of what this is to us, how we use it, and a few more details.

I will not go so far as to say I am an expert on this parenting style but what I do with my children work in our home and are loosely based on Attachment Parenting. Not all of this is what all AP families do. AP parenting is about meeting your baby's needs.

First off in Attachment Parenting (AP) many families begin their parenting choices when they are pregnant. By this I mean that they choose to see a midwife instead of an OB-GYN, they chose to omit ultrasounds and invasive procedures, and choose to birth their baby naturally without any drugs. These families go with trusting the mother’s body to do what it was made to do, grow healthy babies. 

I am so happy to say that both of our boys were born naturally with the help of a midwife. What was best about a midwife was that they knew me and what I wanted in each pregnancy and birth. They saw me each time at the appointment and cooed with me at the lubdub noises of the baby's heart. Both my midwives cared about me and my baby.

Theo was born at home into David’s waiting hands in a warm tub of water. Max was born in the hospital (due to a rare blood condition making our pregnancy a high risk one) to my waiting hands that scooped him up to my chest. Both boys didn’t leave my arms until they had been calmed and told they were loved a million times. (Skin to skin contact immediately after birth, it is a precious gift that only you can give your baby.) Once they did leave it was only for the shortest of time to find out their measurements, and then were quickly returned to me and rarely left again in the following weeks. These weeks that passed too quickly were the most tender moments I have ever shared with them and I will never forget their lovely newborn noises.

Another HUGE practice in AP is breast is best. Breast is best. Breast is best. Breast is best. Did I mention that breast is best? In my family’s case I take this to an "extreme". We use baby led weaning and yes that means that I nurse into toddlerhood (gasp!). I don’t particularly like pumping, bottles, dummies, or frankly anyone else feeding my baby. So with this comes nursing in public. I couldn't give a hoot if someone doesn't want to see my baby eat; I’m going to feed him. Max likes to wear his cover as a turban rather than a cover, so I really do try to sit in a discreet area because I don’t want to show my boobs to anyone but if it happens then whoever got a peep usually gets an apologetic smile and I go back to nursing.

Max and I nursing in public. Notice the turban like cover. 

I love that my baby solely depends on my body to nourish his body. I really love sitting down and nursing a cooing little one that looks at you like you are the sun, moon, stars and earth all wrapped into one. With that being said I wouldn't say that it is a simple task, or that there is no sacrifice in it. Most days when I sit down to nurse, Max is so squiggly wiggly that we end up both being sprayed in the face with milk, at least twice. Sometimes if Theo is close enough he’ll get a face full too. Yeah, a distracted active baby (in other words a healthy happy baby) isn’t the easiest to nurse.

But some women cannot even get the chance to nurse their children because of lack of support. It is my belief that many women are faced with the worst difficulties of nursing (low supply, thrush, mastitis, engorgement, and more) and are unable to fight through because of the ill informed society we live in. Simple information and support from loved ones and people trusted can work miracles. Having faced each of the listed problems above I understand the extreme struggle it can be to just feed your baby. My advise to any nursing mother would be to trust your intuition, not your grandmothers saying that your milk is too thin/that baby needs a bottle/you’ll spoil him if you let fall asleep nursing. Do some research, find a lactation consultant, talk to other nursing mothers, and mostly follow your babies cues.

After nursing babies is co-sleeping and bed sharing. This is the act of having a family bed where parents and babies all sleep together. Some cases the family all share one bed, in others cribs or bassinets are attached to the bed and sleep directly next to the parents bed, and in others children sleep in separate beds in the same room. Yes, we bed share in our home. No, I am not going to roll onto my baby in my sleep. Breast feeding mothers have heightened sense of awareness of their babies, especially in newborn days and infancy. (Wooooohoooo mom magic is real!) 

Originally when I first brought Max into our bed it was just Theo and I because David was on deployment. I slept in-between the boys so Theo wouldn’t round house kick Max in his sleep. All was well. Then David came home, and we were a tad smushed in our queen-sized bed. Theo woke up after less than a week of this sleeping arrangement and told me I wanna sleep in my bed Mama, its too smushy in here. And just like that it became just Max in our bed. And every now and then Theo crawls in too and we all snuggle up. I love bed sharing its the best. I don’t have to wake up, and get out of bed, every time Max wakes up needing to nurse.  I simply roll over plug the boob in and fall back to sleep. Awesome. I know.

Another common AP practice is baby wearing. Its one of the new aspects of parenting to me, so please forgive me for not being able to give you every detail. Baby wearing is when instead of using a travel system like a stroller or the cart in a store you carry your child on your body. Some families like to wrap their babies in Moby Wraps or Sleepy Wraps (best for newborns only IMO), some like to buckle them in soft structured carriers like Ergo or Boba, while others sling them with woven wraps or Mei Ties. Some do a little of it all! There are many different baby carriers out there and each different family has different preferences.

I have found that the best part of babywearing is the ability to still do activities and have a happy baby. Baby won't let you set them down for nap? Strap them on to your back/front! How awesome is that? In fact, I write this post as Max snoozes in my ERGO Performance Carrier.

I know it looks like Max is broken here but as soon as I wrap him up he usually passes out. Hence the limp neck form!

BEWARE! Since baby wearing has become more and more popular, more and more retailers are selling less than adequate carriers . "Crotch Danglers". A proper carrier should hold your baby snuggly to your chest, back or hip and shouldn't  face your baby outwards. Your baby should not look like they are rocking the newest bikini when they are in the carrier, they should have their weight rested on their bottom with their legs slightly bent in a hugging position.

http://store.ergobaby.com/
http://www.didymos.de/en/?gclid=CN_k48bxs7UCFYqk4Aodf3QALg
http://www.mobywrap.com/
http://www.bobafamily.com/

The last large practice in our home that I find many other AP parents doing as well is natural medicine. Instead of seeing a doctor every time a cold rears its ugly head (which isn't often), I usually pull out the mega doses of Vitamin C, Echinacea, and water. When Theo became a walking bruise, with each lump, bump and scrape I wrapped his owie in arnica or calendula ointment and ice. We do not vaccinate until our children have a completely developed immune system and even then we will omit many vaccinations. We very sparingly use any other the counter medicines, and Theo has only been on antibiotics twice in his life.

I was raised in a home that practiced homeopathic medicine, and I have spent all of my life living it in granola land. It is a lifestyle that takes practice, patience, knowledge and the right resources, but all that you put in comes back hundred times in good health. And let's face it, what is better than good health?


The stuff above is just the tip of the iceberg! Other common AP practices that we use:

• Anti-Infant Cosmetic Modification. Sounds like a no brainer right? Leaving your baby to chose for themselves if they will modify their body. It means leaving babies bodies alone. No circumcision, no ear-piercing, no modifications. My take on it here.
• Elimination communication. No diapers, not potty training but just reading your baby's body signals to go potty!
• Cloth Diapers that disposable diaper you just tossed will be around to meet your great grandchildren. Gross, look into cloth diapering.
• Child led weaning/ baby led solids: skip the cereal, the airplane spoon, and nurse into  toddlerhood. No its not unnatural. In fact our society is the only one that thinks it is.
• Anti-Cry-it-out method. Its one of the most cruel and unusual methods we use on out babies. We are still parents after the sun sets. 

All of these practices work wonderfully in our home but this may not be the case for anyone else. Now if you'll please excuse me I have to go crunch on more of my granola ways!

Dan