LaLune Pt 2

At my home visit with our midwife I told her absent-mindedly, "I keep having these dreams of delivering her unassisted. Like its no big deal just pop have a baby."

"Please don't do that to me too," Renea laughed. While working as her assistant previously that year we missed a birth that had moved incredibly quick, so quick that even standing outside the momma's house we wouldn't have made it. It was a still a small sore spot I could tell, and honestly I had no desire to deliver LaLune unattended. So we laughed it off and chatted about life.

Papa was finally home, and my mom flew in the next evening and then my tribe of wonderful friends hosted a blessing way. I wore a flower crown and a neckless full of hand chosen beads of love, my wrist was wrapped with a rainbow of good energy for birth. But most of all I laughed more than I had in weeks, and I ate some seriously delicious food. I left with my cup over flowing with love.

The next morning started early, I woke up with David before anyone. We snuggled and enjoyed the quiet, made coffee and watched movies waiting for the kids to wake up. I had been having inconsistent contraction for several days and this day was no different. I was standing in front of the warm oven since the heat felt so fabulous on my lower back when my midwife arrived to our home to have a quick appointment before her business lunch down the road.

"These are definitely painful, but not so much so that I can't speak through them. And besides that yesterday's contractions were painful too but they calmed down before anything happened." I explained to Renea.

She gently palpated my uterus and told me that after an entire pregnancy of feeling my daughter transverse, her head was finally in my pelvis. So low that she could only feel her shoulders before her body disappeared behind my pubic bone. I still told her to go to her meeting and I'd call if anything changed. She was only going to be ten minutes away anyways no sense in missing it.

I mentioned to David that I needed to go grocery shopping and that the house should be cleaned but was feeling torn because I also wanted to shower badly. I stopped to scowl at a contraction suddenly feeling frustrated and anxious with everything. He gave me a very fearful glance, " I can clean, why don't you go shower?"

I grabbed my phone to play music and began the playlist I chose for the birth. Best choice I made was to fill a playlist with music that I both loved and felt calmed by. I sang along with each one and soon was only able to lip sing the words thru contraction then I could only give a low moan. I began trying to not moan with each surge but soon realized that I was unable to and should probably be calling my midwife back.

I left the shower threw on a robe and pulled my hair up. Walking into the living room I told David and my mom that this was in deed the real deal. Upon asking David to please fill the birth tub up with air I was floored with emotions. I sat on the couch with my music and cried. I cried for my Maxx that he would no longer be the baby. I cried for the end of a beautiful pregnancy that I enjoyed. I cried at the overwhelming feeling that life was washing over me and I had zero control. My poor husband whom had just spent eight months with only men and hadn't been able to witness this series of events of birth in six years whispered to me, " You are starting to scare me. Are you okay?"

This should have been my first indicator that things were moving much faster than I had understood. I called Renea and told her to please come back and she assured me she only needed 15 minutes to pay and head out. I was suddenly remembering just how hard each surge squeezed down in my body. It was then my membranes ruptured and I had a little dose of reality. I called Renea again only five minutes later to tell her this but was overwhelmed with a contraction as soon as she answered and could only make birth noises. Thankfully she is a skilled midwife and knew exactly what I was saying, "I am six minutes away!" I could hear the traffic noise as she probably broke several traffic laws to hurry to me.

My two boys by this time had been in and out of the living room watching in wonder as I moved through each contraction. They had been playing at the table across from the couch with left over beads and Maxx cautiously scooted next to me to give me smooth glass heart beads to roll in my hands. I still have these beads on my altar at home with other precious items.

By the next contraction the whole family was hovering near me in the living room. I had told David to stop with the birth pool because I had started to push. Both him and my mother came in close and I told them I could feel her head. One solid contraction and her head passed. As I waited for the next contraction to help me I felt her tiny body rotate slowly in my palms. I was so grateful for my knowledge and completely calm as I waited. I could tell though my mother was internally panicking as she helped support my half emerged baby. My niece had been born slowly like this also but for different reasons, her tiny shoulders had gotten stuck and her birth was an anxious 4 minutes of helping her come earth side.

I knew this memory was rushing through her mind and I wanted to help her understand that this wasn't happening again. "I'm just waiting for the next contraction." I smiled and closed my eyes as my boys anxiously ran into the room to see their sister hanging out of me.

"Momma is having a baby!" They shouted and began to dance.

The next contraction had me lifting my hips completely off the couch with David's support and grabbing my daughter under the arms as her body slid out. I sat back and pulled her up to my chest. She didn't really cry but gave a good startled yell. Pink and rosy and warm I pulled her close to listen to her breath. "Hi LaLune, I'm your momma."

We all gathered round to laugh and stare at her beauty. I hadn't even realized that someone was missing from the experience until Renea flew in through my front door two minutes later to find me basking in my daughters glory. She laughed and began to make sure everyone was okay wrapping us in more warm towels and blankets.

I hadn't realized I needed a healing birth experience until I got it. I labored, pushed and caught my daughter without issue or help. All after growing her within me. I was suddenly the most powerful person I knew and it felt so good to share that moment with my new daughter because without her it would have been impossible.

LaLune

"I can't wait anymore, I am going to pee on a stick." I told my husband at about 4 am when we both were awake in a peaceful house. But my nerves were strung so tightly I was sure I'd wake the boys just by being in the same room as them.

Walking to the bathroom I relived the last time I did this three short months ago. Even though since then I feel like years have passed. It was another middle of the night adventure.

While Hubs was gone training and I was sure I was having the fifth migraine in a week. Fed up I decided to just pee on a stick to see if that was what was making my hormones rage and flare enough to make me this sick. 

Even though the odds were against me, I decided to test. I hadn't had a cycle since before Pancake was born, and beyond that Hubs had been gone so often chances of actually being home on a day I was fertile were slim to none. I was sure this couldn't be it. So when I dropped the three drops on the test and it began to move across the window showing only one line I wasn't surprised at all. Instead I sat down hard on the ground and cried. Not because we had been trying to conceive, but because this just meant that my hormones were nuts and I'd just have to tough it out. 

I only got a few good ugly sobs out before I heard rustling in the bedroom, so when I stood up my eye immediately fell on the pregnancy test. I made to grab the test and toss it when the whole world kind of slowed and my heart jumped, it was positive. 

Two lines. Two dark purple lines.

The next three weeks were blissful after the initial shock Hubs and I were getting excited to welcome a new child. I enjoyed testing each morning watching the lines immediately pop up on the test window.

Until while visiting our home town for the holidays, Driving to Hubs parents house on our first night home I glanced at the sky, a full red moon hung high in the sky. It felt a little like an omen, a clear warning. 

I had lost our tiny 10 week babe by the time we returned home.

Now three months later the idea of testing has me jumpy and skittish. I decide that I'm going to perform the test then just leave. I walked straight back to the bed snuggled into Hub and surprisingly passed back out. It wasn't until later when we had cartoons blaring and breakfast going that I remembered that I had left it out.
"WHAT DID IT SAY?!" I shouted to Hubs.
I didn't wait for him to respond I walked to the bathroom and picked up the test I left on the window seal.
Two lines. The second was so faint though.
Faint positive or evaporation line?
Dammit! Why did I think not looking within the testing time would be a good idea?!

I walked back to David who by this time was pretty amused at what a weirdo he decided to reproduce with. I showed him the test, of course he shook his head after I explained evaporation lines. "You can't count that one Babe, try again in the morning."
The next 24 hours was difficult but the next test came up positive immediately. Hubs still wouldn't take that as a positive. "You still haven't even missed your period, lets wait until that then see what these tests say."

I remember being frustrated he was so quick to dismiss these clear positives, but now I think he might have been looking for certainty after we had just said good bye to our tiny babe.

Finally, our last test in my stash a dark positive two days past my period. Just days before Hubs left on his fourth deployment.

When I kissed him at the airport, I laughed (refusing to cry) and told him to get ready because the next time he saw me I'd either be gigantic or with a brand new squish. We smiled, both knowing what he would miss, but hoping against hope he could make it home in time to welcome this child.

Eight months later

I anxiously waited as the third and last possible flight switched from a blinking delayed to landed. I decided I would just wait right were he could see us in front of the door to the security clearance. I wanted the boys to be able to sprint to him, squealing and laughing like I knew they would.

Finally after so many prayers and thoughts my husband stepped on home soil, and a weight fell from my heart. I felt our baby girl shift casually in my womb, knowing she felt the anxiety lift too. Waddling after our squealing and running boys I put a hand on my impressive belly thinking, " I know LaLune, I'm ready too."

Frozen

"Let it goooooooooo! Let it GOOOOOO! I am one with the wind and skyyyyyyyyyyy!!!"

That is a literal writing of my five year old jamming out to youtube for the thousandth time. I can laugh and belt it out with both boys so loud that the neighbors probably know the words to Let It Go regardless whether they saw Frozen or not.

But not that long ago I did all I could to avoid that movie like it was the sole reason I for every single one of my problems.

You see the day after we lost our baby I was still determined to keep our visit to our hometown as normal as possible and we promised that we would go see the movie Frozen to Theo long before our miscarriage. So I plastered on my scary happy face and went with along.

It was a beautiful and hilarious movie. The problem wasn’t the movie, it was me. I was so sad and lost that I had reached crazy land. I was laughing at the not funny parts of the movie. And psycho pants laughing at the hilarious parts. I reached a breaking point, I was in a bad place, I had lost my touch on reality, how ever you want to put it.

So we left the movie and I didn’t think of how sad I was in that exact moment again until Theo asked to watch a YouTube bit of the movie. Let It Go began to play and I was ambushed by feelings.

I shouldn’t feel this way anymore, empty, lost overwhelmingly sad. Especially since I have two beautiful souls dancing in front of me. But still every time I hear the opening chorus and ice song I am reminded that right now I should be around 14 weeks into a pregnancy. I should be feeling tiny kicks and swirls.

But really what I feel is a little empty, only for a while. That emptiness is still there.

I still sang along and danced with my babies, but by the end of the song I was singing from my heart and then crying from there too.

My boys let the song end holding me. I told them I was sad our baby wasn’t in my belly any more. Theo nodded his head in agreement understanding my words.

“I miss her too mama.”

We got up again and belted out more Let It Go, listen to Olaf’s summer song and laughed.

I’m still healing, but I am better.

At least not crazy pants anymore.

Secret ingredients

I made brownies for the boys yesterday, and this morning I woke up to a nearly empty pan of brownies. 

AND I FELT NO GUILT.

Okay so maybe letting my kids munch on brownies all day was a bad choice but I wasn't feeling as guilty as I probably would have been had these particular brownies not included a nice helping of kale, spinach and carrots. 

Yup, you read that right. KALE, SPINACH AND CARROTS. 

I have since then figured out how to add any of the above ingredients to most chocolate sweets. Pancake's birthday cupcakes? Full cup of spinach! I add the liquid ingredients to the badass Vitamix I have with the cup of raw veggie I choose and boom veggie chocolate surprise. I know there are probably some flaws in that madness but I'm okay since it has worked so far.

Without further waiting…

I altered this recipe to what I used below:

·      1/2 c sugar


·      1/4 c butter melted


·      1/2 cup semi-sweet chocolate, melted 


·      1 cup of pureed spinach, kale and carrots


·      2 tsp vanilla extract


·      1 egg, beaten


·      3/4 c flour


·      1/4 c unsweetened cocoa powder

·      1/2 tsp baking powder

·      1/2 tsp salt (if using unsalted butter)

Pre heat oven to 350! 

1.) Melt your butter and chocolate chips in a saucepan over low heat.

2.) Add melted butter and chocolate to Vitamix with veggies. (You can steam them to make them easier to blend, or add a tad of water to the mix).

3.) Pour liquid mix in bowl with sugar egg and vanilla then set aside (I chose to skip this and just add them all together in Vitamix).

4.) Combine the dry ingredients, and then pour into wet ingredients bowl. 

5.) Bake for 40-45 minutes.

My tip is letting these treats cool before serving them; I think I might even freeze them next time since they were delicious cold. When researching these it was told that the veggie taste is gone once cold but I didn't notice a huge difference in the taste mostly that they just taste better in their chilly state!

Let me know how yours turn out!

Sleepless Mama

Why are the mornings such a bitch?

This morning I woke up early, took Hubs to work. It sounds like a simple procedure when I phrase it like that I know. In reality though, it is a multi-step process that can go horribly wrong at any moment. That moment being when the babies wake up before I am ready for them to.

First, I have to manage to get out of bed without waking either child, it involves the nursing yoga (please see #10 here) on an extreme level since both children are extraordinarily clingy in the morning. If they wake up with me then I have to find a way to hold/comfort both while also getting everything I need to leave the house. Because Lord and Heaven both forbid that we make it half way to Papa's work and one or both of them realize they are hungry, then in turn become hangry. That is just a miserable path for everyone, an apple sliced, granola bar of some sort, or some version of food has to be brought with us.

If I do manage to make it out of my loving bed without a baby, then I have my usual program of dressing, brushing and searching for the lost one shoe I would like to wear. After that its hopefully looking at the clock to see if I have enough time to start a pot of coffee, or make a shake. Which I usually don't. Move on to starting the car, and loading the snacks, shoes and blankets; because they both stay asleep with a blanket draped over their laps for some weird reason that I just don't question. Finally, grab my lost shoe I found in the front yard and load up (hopefully) sleeping babies.

Make it to David's work before traffic hits horribly then once reentering said traffic on the return home it become like a trip to Mordor. When we are stuck in the tunnel and I'm trying not to imagine the walls caving in and water crushing us all, my kids like to keep me distracted by informing me they either need to poop, dropped their breakfast snack and need it five seconds ago, or just want to ask life changing questions like,"What would happen if the water were to get in the tunnel?" and "How do they keep the water out of the tunnel?" and "What happens when it rains?"

By the time we get home both babies are up and bouncing happy to be out of their carseats, and have had a full twelve hours of rest like any normal night. I on the other hand am dragging ass having stayed up until one writing here, or watching some mindless non-child show just for the sake of it.

I am sure that later this will be hilarious to look back on, but right now I am just really fucking tired.

How does everyone else deal with no sleep and bouncing children?

Materialistic Items

This is a trigger warning for loss, if you are unfamiliar with them it is used to alert people when an internet post, book, article, picture, video, audio clip, or some other media could potentially cause extremely negative reactions (such as post-traumatic flashbacks) due to its content (Urban Dictionary).

Just don't look and pretend its not there. Just don't look and pretend its not there. Just don't look and pretend its not there. Just don't look and pretend its not there…

This happened to be my mantra the first day we returned home after a trip to see family over the holidays. A trip I won't every forget. I rode on the airplane down to the SouthWest pregnant elated to share the news with our loved ones. I rode the airplane back up to the East Coast desperately trying to distract my brain from the pain of the miscarriage so I wouldn't be openly crying in public.

Walking into our home was bitter sweet, I was very ready to be able to be in a private sanctuary where I could deal with my emotions. I also was dreading the small reminders of our lost babe every where.  A tiny stocking, a ornament, and then of course the three posative pee sticks I still had were like bombs randomly placed throughout the house.

Less than twenty four hours into being home and I was acting like a nut avoiding my sight from those bombs. I avoided them like they might detonate if I thought about them. Of course when the boys fell asleep and I was alone with them and realized I was acting ridiculous. I also realized that I wasn't looking forward to Theo asking about the baby when he saw them.

Placing his hand on my belly, "Why isn't she in there any more Mama? Why did she leave? Where did our baby go?"
Tears streaming from my eyes, "I don't really know and I don't understand either. But I know that her body is back in the earth and her soul is with God. Maybe the baby will come back to us when it is ready this time."
Wiping my tears, "I miss her too."

We had that conversation, or something like it, almost everyday since I started bleeding. I just wasn't ready to discuss it again with him, especially without David home to help me.

Swallowing my crazy I gathered the only materialistic items I had left that represented our lost baby. Once I had them I realized I wasn't really crazy I was just still grieving.

I couldn't throw any of it away, so I hid it in a drawer. Maybe one day I will be able to look at them and not cry but today or tomorrow aren't those days.

Labyrinth

This is a trigger warning for loss, if you are unfamiliar with them it is used to alert people when an internet post, book, article, picture, video, audio clip, or some other media could potentially cause extremely negative reactions (such as post-traumatic flashbacks) due to its content (Urban Dictionary).

Two weeks of knowing I was pregnant, I thought that it still hadn’t sunk in yet. I assumed that my mind hadn’t had enough time to adjust to the knowledge I was carrying life. That was until I started bleeding, then I realized just how acutely aware I was of the life I was losing.

I have started and restarted this post about ten times. I always get tripped up on the simplest things. What point of view should I write this from? Should I mention that I think my oldest knew all along and was worried? Should I share in depth details, the things that haunt me when I’m alone in my head? Or do I just simply write it out and hope that the bare bones of a story will help heal me?

The words of grief are beyond me right now. I guess the real question is am I ready to write about this? I am hoping that by putting my story of loss into words will help ease my pain. I tend to internalize most of the negative emotions I feel. I bundle those bad boys up and shove them in a drawer in the back of my mind like I would with candy I was hiding from my kids. I realize that this isn’t the healthiest way to handle things I don’t want to face.

I also have realized that grief makes me crazy. Not the kind of crazy you might be thinking about with rolling eyeballs and asylum worthy actions. I mean I was doing things that I never thought I would. I would get up get dressed make sure my kids were safe with someone and crawl back in bed fully clothed. There I would either sleep, or stare off into oblivion for god knows how long and then not even remember why or what I was thinking about.  Those first horrible days I felt stuck in my head, I couldn’t really cry and all I wanted to do was just cry until the tears washed me out of the labyrinth I made in my mind.

One day at a time I am working my way thru this maze, and I realized that hacking thru the walls is more damaging then navigating around them. And I still have moments where I am suddenly drowning in pain, overwhelmed by the reality of loosing a baby.

But if I am trying to show my children everyday the natural cycle of life then I have to be able to accept it myself too. Death and loss are the same thing is this situation. They also are a normal part of life. I trust in my body, I know that for whatever reason this baby wasn’t meant to be, and with that I am inching towards healing.

Beauty of Innocence

I know that many people have seen beautiful Luiz explaining to his mother why he wouldn't eat octopus. But if you haven't please go watch it now. And if you are emotional like I am grab a box of Kleenex too, because its going to make you cry.

I cried while watching this mostly because I should sleep more and have wild hormones but the other reason is because Theo and I have very similar conversations all the time. 

The first time was when Theo was just a little tyke, and before Maxx was even born.

While shopping in a market that had fresh lobsters for sale Theo (then just 2 years old) asked me, "Why are these Lobsters here Mama?"

To which I responded hesitantly, "Because my love, they are going to be bought by someone who would like to... have them"

"As a pet? Do they have other pets too like a kitty or a dog?"He asked curiously.

"No," I crouched down and held his hand. "To eat, everyone needs to eat and some people eat lobsters."

"No, you can't eat lobsters Mama, they need to live. I like them alive. We can't eat them." His face was now scowling at me to reinforce his point. I picked him up into my arms and told him I loved him. We finished our shopping and Theo remained thoughtful and silent.

Over the next few days I found myself explaining to Theo several times about the cycle of life. I felt like Mufasa in Lion King explaining that life was beautiful because it was balanced in a way that energy is recycled in many different ways through out the earth. 

Then I went home to deliver Maxx and my grandmother was sick. So sick we called hospice and brought her home to be comfortable. Theo and I spent many hours by her side with my sister and mother. Family filtered in and out of the house and what I began to notice was they rarely touched my grandmother. Spoke to her, sat by her side but never created that contact. Theo though had constant contact, you could see the relief on his face when he found her hand. He didn't see sickness, he saw his great grandmother that spoiled him rotten with her love. I didn't want him to be frightened by death, so we spoke about it and I began to explain again the cycle of life. You know the one we all learned in biology 101, that all energy cannot be created only recycled, except in toddler terms.

When she finally passed away, I told him what had happened. He was thoughtful and asked who would eat her. Its a good thing that we were at home and not in public or it might have sounded weirder. But I knew exactly what he was asking, what was going to happen now? I explained that now that grandmas soul had left her body, we would bury her body and that in turn it would feed the ground, to feed the grass, to feed a cow or bunny or some other animal that would be eaten to feed another animal and so on.

Now I realize that in the cemetery my grandmother wished to be buried in there are no free range grass fed cows but there is grass and it helped him to understand that she wasn't entirely "gone". "Gone" is a scary aspect for a toddler, and I knew that it would help him to know that there are other ways for her to still be here. I explained that she was mostly now living in our hearts and memories but that GG's body was playing a large role in keep our lives balanced. 

My now four year old is an advocate for life. He won't step on ants, he screams for me to not hurt the spider if I'm trying to move it back outside, and most of all he understand that death is just a part of living. 

Children are born with this beautiful open clean canvas of a mind. What I would really like to paint for my children is life is beautiful, all parts of it, even the scary ones. So that they can be beautiful people that will change the world. 

How do you deal with death and and heavy conversations like this with your babies? 

<3 

Dan

Beauty Revealed Project

Looking in the mirror I sigh and turn to look at my butt in the new (to me) shorts I just put on. They are my favorite ones. Bright turquoise and black making them look like they are made of lace, and they are the really cute super high waisted (which I love on my body).

But they are really short.
I mean super-duper short singing "we wear short shorts" kind of short.

But they make me feel fun and pretty. I am so torn on wearing them. These are youthful shorts, ones you wear before babies and still are a single entity.

But I love them.

But society has taught me that unless I bought them is a size XXS I can't wear them and pull them off.

BUT I LOVE THEM!

Theo wanders in to ask for my help to put on his shirt and looks at me in my new shorts. "OOOH MAMA! These are cool." He says fingers playing with the hem line on my thigh. His smiling face looks up and me and I know he only sees beauty.

I ask him, "How do I look?"
"Beautiful." Is his reply.

So I've decided to try and view my body through my child's eyes. Not society's. He sees me as strong and beautiful. I didn't wear the shorts that day but I've been learning to put my best effort into finding beauty in my after-babies body.

With this effort I decided to take part of the Beauty Revealed Project. Its a project that was made to highlight and embrace women's bodies after a pregnancy and birth. It shows the beauty of what our society has labeled as flaws. 

Four other mamas and myself stripped down to our undies and embraced our beautiful bodies in front of a camera.

It was scary, surprisingly enthralling, and fun. Our kids played in the sand. We joked and laughed while we took our turns posing in front of the camera wielding goddess Nancy from Daisy Jean Photography.

Here is a sneak peek of my photos and my explanations. (I'm not sharing anyone else's because I don't have their permission to do so here. But go like Daisy Jean and see the other photos from this shoot).

My thighs touch, my boob are real (and look it), and on first sight it is obvious I have grown two children in my womb. But I love this vessel that hold my heart and soul. And the best part is that it held two other hearts and souls in it too. This body is scared. I love it.

I went into my surgery thinking I would never be beautiful anymore. But over the years I realized that my scars are a symbol of my ability to survive and my will to live. I have grown to love them and the person that I am because of them. My stretch marks have a similar story except these marks are each a small piece of my pride. With these scars they symbolize my ability to give life, nourish life, and love life

I'll update more when I get more photos back. Until then, love your body and check out the BRP. Babies or no babies. The female form is so beautiful in so many different figures and shapes. 

Love,

Dan

**UPDATED**

Got this awesome photo back tonight! This night was so much fun, with some wonderful and inspiring women.

airplanes and children

I should be packing right now. But I don't feel like doing that I feel like writing. So I suppose I should write something productive and helpful. How about how I have managed more than 15 travel expeditions that include flying with at least one toddler, most of which I was the only adult with them?

Scoop and I on flight #12

Yup, thats me. I will probably never forget the extreme loathing I felt radiating off of the other passengers that first flight. I was the enemy, I walked on the plane with my 18 month-old singing. I mean, seriously, he was a baby just singing a little made up tune of his. But for some reason others saw that as a bad omen for a horrible flight, and felt the need to make sure we felt their contempt.

After the first few fiasco flights that involved screaming babies feeding off each others screams, poop explosions, and breastfeeding next to a creepy man, I felt like an old pro. I would like to share my wisdoms and funny stories in hopes that you too will feel like an old pro or at least know that in your situation some one else (me) has been there too.

First, and probably one of the most important tips I feel like I can give is you only need ONE BAG for carry on. You really want to make sure that that bag is a hands free bag as well. There isn't much worse than trying to grab all of your bags and stroller to chase after a toddler to only have your strap fall off your shoulder/ everything fall out of your cute hobo purse/ having to drag (not roll because its upside down) a rollie bag.

So just one bag, I use a super size back pack that has all sorts of pockets. That way when I need to go in search of what I need I know where to find it. No bottomless pit digging is a big plus in my eyes.

Second is baby wearing. Really its awesome. I know you guys know that I am a strap-them-to-you kinda lady but when traveling its even better. Especially if you are traveling with more than one child. Again hands free is just worth its weight in gold. When traveling I use my soft structured carrier (SSC) the Ergo Performance. Maxx on my chest, Theo in the stroller, backpack on my back and we are ready to roll.

When going though security keep in mind that if you are wearing a ring sling regardless you will have to take it off because of the rings and the metal detecter. But you have the option to keep the little ones on if you are wearing a SSC or a woven wrap. The TSA will ask you to please step aside and they will run a small cloth over your hands and process it through a machine to test for explosives. It takes no more than five minutes.

Third is having enough time (and a safe spot) to let your little one burn some fuel. Find an empty gate and let them run loose for thirty or so minutes chase them, play with them and help them to move freely before the flight.

Forth, if you have an overly stimulated child already scratch the above idea and find a (quiet/ solitary) place to help them unwind. Nurse them, read to them, walk with them whatever works best for you guys. Hide under a coat or blanket together and tell stories. Help them to shut out the stimulation from the airport. And if all else fails I use Calm Forte 4 Kids, it a homeopathic blend to help to unwind and get sleepy.

Next, come prepared in that super sized and organized back pack.

Chasing tiny pieces or tiny toys around on a moving plane isn't fun. My boys LOVE all things robots and rocket ships. I make sure that my back pack has at least two chunky robots for them to love on.

A nice movie they love and a good pair of big wrap around your ear kind of headphones. Its not my favorite way to distract them but it helps to let them shut all else out and just relax.

An extra set of clothes, for every thing that may spill, drip, explode, or get them wet you want an extra pair of clothes.

Wet bag/plastic bag and wipes for any of the above you have to clean up.
Attention cloth diapering parents! Consider a 'sposie that is chlorine free/biodegradable, I know it kills me too about having to throw away another thing. Out of sight is not out of mind for my conscience. If you would still like to cloth diaper while flying remember that the used diaper takes up more room than the clean one you are taking out. Leave enough room for those pee soaked ones. And that you may have to go longer than usual without a diaper change, so double stuff/heavy wetter prefold/ extra flat whatever you do for a leaky diaper is a good idea. Bring an extra travel wet bag that zips, just trust me on that one.

If a movie doesn't work bring along a "Craft" for the kids to do to kill time. I say this hesitantly because it depends on how old your little ones are. I have brought play dough to mold on our trays en route, window stickies, crayons and paper, and reusable stickers. As it turns out they are great way for Theo (4) to kill time and he loves all of the above, so does my youngest. But the difference is the Maxx (15 months) wants to have fun eating all of the crafts and my oldest actually crafts.

Last flight Maxx had grabbed a handful of window stickers and shoved them in his mouth before I could scrape them out he had swallowed them. They are bright and colorful and look like gooey candies. I spent the next three poops making sure that he had passed all of them. Not fun.

Snacks! Bring your own. I always feel like I might be paying with my health and soul when we buy airport food. Sheesh that stuff is expensive and pretty yucky. So solutions is bringing a favorite food along for the trip. Try something that won't melt, doesn't need refrigeration, and doesn't need to be heated up. Last trip our snack bags had kale chips, fruit leathers, granola bars, apple slices, homemade chicken nuggets and burritos. I try to make enough munchies for the plane ride and a meal in between flights. It doesn't always work out that way but I would rather have too much food than a screaming child from hunger.

You are getting ready to take off! Its loud, so for the older ones that might get scared pretend its a rocket ship and look like you are having a blast. For the little ones repeat step one but nurse/bottle/pacifier while you get adjusted to altitude.

Laugh, sing, let them sort through your photos on your phone, when the seat belt sign is off let them walk up and down the aisle a few times, explain how the plane works, and remember to be patient with your babies. It is a new and fun experience to fly for the first or even tenth time and they may need a little more time than usual.

Its tough and can be a tiring expedition but YOU CAN DO IT! *weird character in water boy voice*


Anything I miss? Tell me how you fly with your kids and your stories of woe or fun while doing so!

Dan<3

Homecoming / Wordless Wednesday

True story here:


Most nights are rough. I take forever to fall asleep, or I wake up constantly from a light sleep by the lightest of noises. It is not a healthy way to live nor would I recommend trying to function on a day to day basis on little to no sleep. Because it sucks. My right eye won't stop trying to twitch itself into a closed position, as if I could let the right half of my brain just sleep for a few minutes -or days.

On a recent day I woke up feeling more refreshed than I had in a long time, even though I know I still slept very few hours. I slide out from between my sleeping babes and head for the kitchen with only the thought of a liter of water and a hot cup of coffee.

I close my eyes and remind myself that I do still have a husband even if he is thousands of miles away. That he still misses and loves his family even if we haven't spoken to him in weeks. I remember that when he is home I sleep soundly knowing we are safe.

In a daze still half asleep I realize the boys have woken up and are screeching at each other. The baby pterodactyl kind of scream that for whatever reason my kids love to sound when they are having fun. It mostly is Pancake that does this kind of screeching but Scoop sure does love to chime in when the mood strikes him.

Placing my head in my hands I laugh and imagine David's hands on my shoulders rubbing away the knots.

"Help, the pterodactyls are multiplying."

My eyes fly open.

Oh man, thats not a day dream of my husband that is my husband. And the memories of his homecoming come flooding into my line of thoughts. Laughing at myself for actually forgetting that he had come home, I leaned into his embrace.

Right on cue the boys come into the kitchen bight eyed and smiling at the sight of their father home again.
Maxx smiled shyly and said, "Hi, Papa. Hi."

Theo immediately launches into what he feels we should do with the day now that Papa is home.

I turn around, wrap my arms around David's waist and look into his face and tell him too, "Hi, Papa."
He doesn't need to respond he just seals my lips with his and finally I feel whole again.




David's homecoming in pictures:

What I started out looking like...

Sadly, because of the  horrendous weather these didn't even leave the car.

Hurry up and wait some more.

Hurry up and wait with awesome friends.

Spotted Papa!

Maxx bundled in the wrap in the stroller to stay dry.

Ended up looked like a frozen drowned rat after waiting in the rain for an hour. 

baby popsicles 

But it was all worth this moment.

Frakenfoods makes frakenbabies

I’m grateful that my children do not have allergies that bring spring time dread, or make me worry that if they eat the wrong thing they will end up with a swollen shut throat. All the same witnessing my four-year-old rage like he just turned into the Hulk and then cower and whimper on the floor because he is having a reaction to some processed something he ate, feels pretty freaking horrible.

We don’t feed our kids dye, high fructose corn syrup, corn syrup, modified corn starch, BHA, BTA, synthetic hormones or potassium bromate, AT ALL. All of our dairy products that we eat are organic. Everything else is: if it has an ingredients list, then can I pronounce all of the ingredients? If I can’t chances are it’s a preservative/hormone and I don’t want to risk it. It’s a risk because if it is a processed refined yuck ingredient our children react like they were just given a Jeffery and bust out in eczema.

AND IF ONE MORE “WELL MEANING” PERSON GIVES MY KIDS ONE OF THESE INGEDIENTS I AM GOING TO FLIP MY SHIT ON THEM.

This weekend Theo, Maxx and I spent sometime with some relatives. These relatives have been one of the few people that think that by not allowing the boys to have things like Gatorade, Lunchables, canned meat (let me just go vomit real quick), or excessive amounts of sugar they are missing out in their childhood. It has been a struggle from when I started this (what they call restrictive but I call normal) diet with the boys. Regardless they are family that we still love and want in our lives.

Theo ended up spending the day with them while Maxx and I headed back home. When he got back home to us that evening Theo was noticeably more cranky and tired than normal. I soon found out why when he asked one of the relatives for his drink and they whipped out the sugary, dyed, pretend juice with a smile.

I wasn’t smiling.

I knew that the drink alone was enough to give Theo horrible nightmares and wet the bed. And that if they had gone against my wishes and already let him drink almost all of that pretend juice then I know that they had probably gone against all of my wishes and fed him some horrible fast food kid meal. Meaning that I would be dealing with a kid that would periodically be acting like he smoked a Jeffery for the next weekish.

Periodical tantrums, screaming, punching, throwing, crying, whimpering, and the inability to communicate. This is what I have to look forward too. It is enough to make me want to sell my children.

But what is horrible is I know that it makes my kids feel like they have been ran over. Mentally and physically. Those tantrums are not out of acting out or attention, they are from the confusing feeling they have when their brain cannot process the emotional and physical response that they want to happen. The feeling of being completely out of control, and unable to process why your body and mind are not on the same page is what my boys are feeling. Extreme frustration.

The worst part is the fact that other than feeding them real food with continuing to comfort and help work through out bursts I cannot do anything. And the people that fed them the crap that is wreaking havoc on their body are nowhere to be seen. This is why they simply cannot believe that it could be the food that THEY ate all their lives and then fed THEIR children too that could be making Theo and Maxx act out. Because they are never around to witness the reactions. Because in their minds “boys will be boys” and that’s all there is to it.

I know this will pass and because these toxic foods are rare in their lives they are strong. Soon my boy’s bodies will heal. But what more can I do to make others understand that it is not okay to give my kids those things?

Until I do, I will keep in mind that the choices that we have made for our children are the right ones for them. Would it be easier to allow the boys to eat whatever they wanted whenever they wanted. Yes, but sometimes in life easy and right are not the same thing.


Dan<3

Bible Study

My prayers lately sound something like this:

Please Lord help us. The roar that those are creating about legalizing gay marriage and how torn our nation is right now scare me. Please help those that are lost to see your love, and your light. I know that there can be no light without darkness, but the darkness seems to encase those lost in its claws. Then they too become the darkness. Please help us Lord.


The more dark the darkness, the lighter the light.



This popped up in my newsfeed today:

If you are going to be brash enough to post this, you are asking to open the flood gates of criticism.

First I would like to point out that there is hardly ever a singular meaning of marriage in the bible.

Want some of the examples of what the Bible defines as marriage?

- An arranged marriage—Genesis 24:1-4 (and many other passages) 

- A levirate marriage (If a man died leaving no male heir, his brother was required to marry his widow and produce children)—Deuteronomy 25:5-10 

- A polygamous marriage—1 Kings 11:3 (and many, many other passages) 

- Not inter-racial—Deuteronomy 7:14; 1 Corinthians 7:39; 2 Corinthians 6:14 

- Filled with sexual prohibitions—no intercourse during menstruation (The woman is unclean. Yet another degradation of women.) —The woman cannot withhold sex from her husband; she has to fulfill his desire for sex when he wants it. (And another example of the Bible’s misogyny) 

- Not allowed to be dissolved, i.e. NO DIVORCE—Matthew 5:31-32; Mark 10:2-12; Luke 16:18 

- Except when the man wanted to because his wife had become ‘displeasing’ to him—Deuteronomy 24:1-4 

- Between a rapist and his victim—Deuteronomy 22:28-29 

- An arranged marriage by a slave owner for his slaves—Genesis 24:4 

- Can be between brother and sister 

-Intended to solely to produce children—Without children a woman was: 

Shamed—a barren woman was looked upon as cursed by God 

Unable to be saved—1 Timothy 2:15

Seriously I could go on and on. And never ever does is say that marriage should be between a man and a woman only. EVER. 

Secondly, I would just like to kindly point out that the Bible itself was written around 500 hundred years after Christ's death. Upon writing it the "authors" took the gospels and picked carefully those that would be included and those that would be discarded. Those that were kept were edited and made to mirror the image that they deemed appropriate at that time.

As far as the laws of God? Who are we to decide what laws God has made for us. I know that you are probably reading this going Dan, the Ten Commandments? Don't fret, I haven't forgotten those and in the Ten Commandments I never saw once THOU SHALT NOT MARRY THE SAME SEX EVER. In fact I am pretty sure the whole set of commandments is based on respect. Respect of God, respect of your lover, respect of your peers.

I am not here to try to change your mind and tell you that your conservative views are inferior to my liberal ones but I would like for you to please think before you tell me that Jesus or God does not condone this movement. This is a movement of love, a movement for equality, this is a movement to break ties that create hate. The son of God I feel in my life, smiles at this movement. He is a man of love, mercy, patience and forgiveness. Or is it perhaps we do not know that same God and His son?