This is a trigger
warning for loss, if you are unfamiliar with them it is used to alert
people when an internet post, book, article, picture, video, audio clip, or
some other media could potentially cause extremely negative reactions (such as
post-traumatic flashbacks) due to its content (Urban Dictionary).
Two weeks of knowing I was pregnant, I thought that it still hadn’t sunk in yet. I assumed that my mind hadn’t had enough time to adjust to the knowledge I was carrying life. That was until I started bleeding, then I realized just how acutely aware I was of the life I was losing.
I have started and restarted this post about ten times. I
always get tripped up on the simplest things. What point of view should I write
this from? Should I mention that I think my oldest knew all along and was
worried? Should I share in depth details, the things that haunt me when I’m
alone in my head? Or do I just simply write it out and hope that the bare bones
of a story will help heal me?
The words of grief are beyond me right now. I guess the real
question is am I ready to write about this? I am hoping that by putting my
story of loss into words will help ease my pain. I tend to internalize most of
the negative emotions I feel. I bundle those bad boys up and shove them in a
drawer in the back of my mind like I would with candy I was hiding from my
kids. I realize that this isn’t the healthiest way to handle things I don’t
want to face.
I also have realized that grief makes me crazy. Not the kind
of crazy you might be thinking about with rolling eyeballs and asylum worthy
actions. I mean I was doing things that I never thought I would. I would get up
get dressed make sure my kids were safe with someone and crawl back in bed
fully clothed. There I would either sleep, or stare off into oblivion for god
knows how long and then not even remember why or what I was thinking about. Those first horrible days I felt stuck
in my head, I couldn’t really cry and all I wanted to do was just cry until the
tears washed me out of the labyrinth I made in my mind.
One day at a time I am working my way thru this maze, and I
realized that hacking thru the walls is more damaging then navigating around
them. And I still have moments where I am suddenly drowning in pain,
overwhelmed by the reality of loosing a baby.
But if I am trying to show my children everyday the natural
cycle of life then I have to be able to accept it myself too. Death and loss
are the same thing is this situation. They also are a normal part of life. I
trust in my body, I know that for whatever reason this baby wasn’t meant to be,
and with that I am inching towards healing.
