Frozen

"Let it goooooooooo! Let it GOOOOOO! I am one with the wind and skyyyyyyyyyyy!!!"

That is a literal writing of my five year old jamming out to youtube for the thousandth time. I can laugh and belt it out with both boys so loud that the neighbors probably know the words to Let It Go regardless whether they saw Frozen or not.

But not that long ago I did all I could to avoid that movie like it was the sole reason I for every single one of my problems.

You see the day after we lost our baby I was still determined to keep our visit to our hometown as normal as possible and we promised that we would go see the movie Frozen to Theo long before our miscarriage. So I plastered on my scary happy face and went with along.

It was a beautiful and hilarious movie. The problem wasn’t the movie, it was me. I was so sad and lost that I had reached crazy land. I was laughing at the not funny parts of the movie. And psycho pants laughing at the hilarious parts. I reached a breaking point, I was in a bad place, I had lost my touch on reality, how ever you want to put it.

So we left the movie and I didn’t think of how sad I was in that exact moment again until Theo asked to watch a YouTube bit of the movie. Let It Go began to play and I was ambushed by feelings.

I shouldn’t feel this way anymore, empty, lost overwhelmingly sad. Especially since I have two beautiful souls dancing in front of me. But still every time I hear the opening chorus and ice song I am reminded that right now I should be around 14 weeks into a pregnancy. I should be feeling tiny kicks and swirls.

But really what I feel is a little empty, only for a while. That emptiness is still there.

I still sang along and danced with my babies, but by the end of the song I was singing from my heart and then crying from there too.

My boys let the song end holding me. I told them I was sad our baby wasn’t in my belly any more. Theo nodded his head in agreement understanding my words.

“I miss her too mama.”

We got up again and belted out more Let It Go, listen to Olaf’s summer song and laughed.

I’m still healing, but I am better.

At least not crazy pants anymore.